LAST WEEK I WAS IN LOOP STUDIOS REHEARSING AND DEMOING MATERIAL WITH MY UNSIGNED BAND. HAVING HAD MY DINNER ABOUT AN HOUR PREVIOUSLY I FELT THE WARNING SIGNS OF A GOOD HEALTHY DAVID KITT COMING ON...SO OFF TO THE JAX I WENT... BEFORE I TOOK MY PLACE ON THE THRONE I NOTICED THERE WAS NO JAX ROLL.. I WENT LOOKING FOR SOME BUT THERE WAS NONE IN STOCK AT THE TIME...I REALLY NEEDED TO GO SO I SAID f**k IT...ILL JUST HOPE FOR A CLEAN ONE.... ON MY WAY BACK UP TO THE MENSROOM HOWEVER I NOTICED A PILE OF BACK ISSUES OF HOTPRESS THAT HAD BEEN DONATED TO THE STUDIO (PROBABALY IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID BIN TAXES...GIVE THE OLD RUBBISH AWAY AS OPPOSED TO LEAVE IT OUT FOR THE BINMAN)....THE ONLY QUESTION IN MY MIND WAS WHICH ONE DO I WANNA WIPE MY HOLE WITH....NICK CAVE COVER? NO I LOVE NICK CAVE....THE TRANSFORMERS?? NO THEY ARE MATES OF MINE THEY WOULD NEVER FORGIVE ME...WESTLIFE?? NOW WERE BLEEDIN TALKIN'.....BUT WAIT!!!! OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SPOTTED IT.....COLIN FARRELL!! ROGUE IRISH HEART-THROB POSING IN A SWIMMINGPOOL..HIS HAIR ALL WET..HIS TORSO SHINING IN THE SUN....(HOTPRESS READERS WILL REMEMBER THE ONE YEAH?)...OH f**kING YES! I THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS FARRELL LOOKED AT ME A KIND OF ANDREX LOOK IN HIS EYE....BY THIS TIME I HAD LITTLE TIME TO WASTE.....I WENT AND DID THE BUSINESS..DICED UP A BIT OF OUR NATIONS FAVOURITE MUSIC PUBLICATION AND WIPED MY GARDA PATROL WITH THE SMILING FACE OF DUBLINS FAVOURITE MUSICIAN?,,, THE PATRON SAINT OF FAILING THE GROUP CERT, THE DASHING..COLIN FARRELL!!!!...SHAMEFULLY THIS IS A 100% TRUE STORY GET YOUR f**kING ACTS TOGETHER HOTPRESS... WHY ISNT MIK PYRO ON THE FRONT OF YOUR MAGAZINE, WHY IS NEIL MOORE ON THE FRONT OF YOUR MAGAZINE, DO U KNOW WHO EITHER OF THESE MEN ARE....I DONT THINK SO...AND I KNOW THIS COS I READ IT IN A MAGAZINE..WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWN!!!!!